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*I am looking for suggestions on content rather than punctuation, grammer, and or spelling. I am looking for suggestions on whether the story is humorous, if it has enough sensory detail for you to feel like you were there, if it gives you the impression of it taking place in a short time, and if you can identify that there is a choice being made in the story. And anything else that you can come up with.*
I short story that I had to write for my Creative Writing Class.
Its a Creative Nonfiction so everything in this thing has really happened. Its only 1400 words...so could you read it and then give me any suggestions and or comments in the Comment box?
I will appreciate you forever!!!
I short story that I had to write for my Creative Writing Class.
Its a Creative Nonfiction so everything in this thing has really happened. Its only 1400 words...so could you read it and then give me any suggestions and or comments in the Comment box?
I will appreciate you forever!!!
© 2012 - 2024 DOC-Ash1391
Comments13
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First page:
- 4th paragraph: I suggest removing the 'maybe' from '... I could maybe understand her frustration with us' because it makes the sentence sound a bit awkward.
- 6th paragraph: Bored --> Board
- 7th paragraph: Comma between 'sweet' and 'icy'; colon instead of comma between 'mind' and 'which'.
Second page:
- 1st paragraph: I 'lol' at the four years older, but sister is still taller than me bit.
Fourth page:
- Aww yes, I love white mocha frappuccinos!
Sixth page:
- 2nd paragraph: I don't think you need a semi-colon between '... straw to say a word' and 'so I spoke...'. The latter can be its own sentence.
"I still don’t know if it was the fact that I wished her a good day
or that we would see her another time that had sent that brief flash of panic through her eyes." --> I laughed like a damn hyena at this. xD
Errr, I kind of read through and made punctuation/grammar corrections before I read your comment. My apologies. xD
I really like this. You took a simple event and created a funny and relatable story from it which was engaging from start to finish. I enjoyed the language and I think you did a good job with adding descriptions, emotions, etc. to appropriate sections without vomiting a bunch of unnecessary words all over the place. I definitely feel as though the subject 'choice' was apparent throughout the story.
About your comment about sensory detail, may I suggest adding the sense of smell somewhere in the beginning? I mean, it is a coffee shop so I imagine, in a way, that all the smells may interfere with you settling on a decision because there's so many to choose from. Again, this is just a suggestion since I think your paper is already appropriately condensed.
Great job overall though.
- 4th paragraph: I suggest removing the 'maybe' from '... I could maybe understand her frustration with us' because it makes the sentence sound a bit awkward.
- 6th paragraph: Bored --> Board
- 7th paragraph: Comma between 'sweet' and 'icy'; colon instead of comma between 'mind' and 'which'.
Second page:
- 1st paragraph: I 'lol' at the four years older, but sister is still taller than me bit.
Fourth page:
- Aww yes, I love white mocha frappuccinos!
Sixth page:
- 2nd paragraph: I don't think you need a semi-colon between '... straw to say a word' and 'so I spoke...'. The latter can be its own sentence.
"I still don’t know if it was the fact that I wished her a good day
or that we would see her another time that had sent that brief flash of panic through her eyes." --> I laughed like a damn hyena at this. xD
Errr, I kind of read through and made punctuation/grammar corrections before I read your comment. My apologies. xD
I really like this. You took a simple event and created a funny and relatable story from it which was engaging from start to finish. I enjoyed the language and I think you did a good job with adding descriptions, emotions, etc. to appropriate sections without vomiting a bunch of unnecessary words all over the place. I definitely feel as though the subject 'choice' was apparent throughout the story.
About your comment about sensory detail, may I suggest adding the sense of smell somewhere in the beginning? I mean, it is a coffee shop so I imagine, in a way, that all the smells may interfere with you settling on a decision because there's so many to choose from. Again, this is just a suggestion since I think your paper is already appropriately condensed.
Great job overall though.